The Worst, and Funniest Doctor Visit Ever

All foreigners who come to work in Slovakia for over 90 days must come to see the doctor, in my case, in Bratislava. I had been dreading this day because of the many terrible stories I heard from other missionaries who went in years previous. Their stories aren't appropriate for me to post on this site, but lets just say stool samples with other people in the same room were involved. I didn't have to do that, but a group of Afghan men had to that were waiting with me. Friends assured me that the process was not as bad, but still pretty awkward. So please allow me to tell you about my experience in as many details as I can remember- because the details is what made it so hilarious and awkward.

First, we left Trnava at 6:15 am (UCK!). After a 45 minute drive or so, we ended up at a building in downtown Bratislava. We climbed about 4 stories and went through a few random doors and found our way to the doctors office. Through hearing the conversation I figured out that they were saying to Roman (a Slovak employee at the Building) that my appointment was actually the day before. By a miracle they actually let us stay for the appointment.

The first part of the exam was to take blood. I sat down on the table and immediately they asked for the money to cover the exam. I wasn't thrilled about this process because my last experience with giving any amount of blood resulted in me fainting right on the floor. I layed down on the table and they took my blood and it actually was very smooth and not very painful at all.

For the next part of the exam I went to see the doctor, who was an elderly woman. We walked down the hall and the nurse said with a thick accent, "See doctor now". I sat on the table and awaited her instructions and questions. In broken English she asked me my name, where I'm from, if I had diseases in my family, and other medical questions. She then asked my weight and I told her how many pounds... she said, "This too much!" and I realized she wanted my weight in kilograms. So I went back out to the lobby to take my own weight. I came back, told her, and then she asked me my height. I started to say "5'5" until I realized she didn't care about feet and inches, so I went back out to measure my own height by a tape measure taped to the wall.

She pointed to my shirt and said, "Take off please". I said, "Seriously?!" and she of course nodded yes. Let's just say she went through quite unnecessary means to hear my pulse. She asked me to lie on the table again and she starts poking my bare stomach with both sets of fingers to see if I had any massive growths or something (?), and I am giggling the whole time because she's tickling me to death.

She tells me to sit up on the table and proceeds to knock on my head like one would knock on a door and says, "Does this hurt?". I'm about to laugh out loud as she's knocking on my head but I say, "No", then she jabs both sets of fingers under my eyes, on my cheeks, and on my chin, asking me if it hurts. She sits back down in her desk and fills out the information. Her arthritic fingers which are being choked by her tiny rings are pounding on the computer mouse so hard it echoes through the room. Her double clicks sounded like, "CLICK! CLICK!". Hmm I can't explain that well- it was funny though.

Okay so that exam is over. We leave the building and go across the street to another old hospital. We sit and wait for about 20 minutes for them to call me in. This was the part of the exam that was not funny and I was really dreading. This short old mean looking man told me to come in. He pointed to my shirt and said, "Take it off" (which I knew was about to happen), and pointed to a nasty little closet. I pointed to my outside shirt and said, "Can I keep this one on?" and he said angrily, "VSETKO!" (EVERYTHING!). I rolled my eyes and went in the closet. One door in the closet went to the doctor and the other side went to the hall-full of men, both unlocked.

Before I was done doing what I had to do, the doctor flung open the door and said, "COME, NOW" and I snapped back, "CHILL!". I came out of the closet trying to cover myself up and he pointed to the big cold metal machine. He told me to take off my necklace, but as I was taking it off with one hand, it got stuck on my earring!! (Mind you, I'm in a very uncomfortable state at the moment with this angry old man right beside me). So he gives a big mad SIGH, and starts yanking on my necklace- so I say "Pockaj!" (Wait) and get the stupid necklace off of my earring.

He tells me to move the shirt that's covering me up and pushes me against the large cold machine while he take an x-ray. Yeah--there are more details to that story but I'm already on the edge of being inappropriate here so just trust me when I say it was terrible!

So that was the end of the exam and I was sooooooo glad it was over.