Well folks (whoever you are that actually read this), I think it's about time I have a little heart to heart. My good friend has been mentioning authenticity lately, and that got me thinking. To be honest, I struggle with knowing what information I should post on this site for you all to read. It's not that I have a problem with being open with what's going on, but I'm just not sure if the intention of the site is to keep you up to date on my support, or to keep you up to date with ME. I guess I'd like to make it a little bit of both-- because I feel that it's important for me to be honest with my supporters.I bet every single one of you have seen a movie with the following plot synopsis: Main character has major obstacle in story, character is determined to overcome obstacle, character ends story with conveniently conquering the problem, rises up above problem, cut, end of story, we feel nice and smile in our unrealistic plot resolution. Have you ever seen a movie where the resolution to the problem never happened? The main character didn't come out victorious, and the movie left you in a sort of uneasy feeling. "Where is the resolution? Where is my perfect ending?" you say.
A month ago when I first started raising support, my "character" had a major obstacle to overcome. I was not only determined to overcome the obstacle, but planned on conveniently fixing the problem myself and rising above the issue with no setbacks or worry. Lately, I've begun to wonder if I may have picked up the wrong script. Did I got lost on the way to the right studio and end up in the "Not-So-Victorious-Type-Of-Film"?
If I'm losing you with this strange metaphor, I apologize. Let me get back to a realistic dialogue. For the past month I've been planning fundraisers to help the support come along. I tried really hard to make it work, I spent hours on the phone and in e-mails, hustling to get it together. I was so confident that they would all be a success, they would be unique and fun and perfect. I thought, "I have too much to raise to just sit here and do nothing!" Well, come to find out, (very long story, very short), all of the fundraisers fell through. They were all cancelled for various reasons. The most recent event with the most potential, the most excitement, and the most disappointment when it fell through, was a benefit concert. It came down to being cancelled because we couldn't find a stage in time.
My first reaction to these events being cancelled was, to be honest, real frustration. I simply could not understand what I had done wrong and why these things couldn't happen.
On top of that, I've been working out some conflicts in regard to my support raising, and different kinds of resistance. If you know me well at all, you know I'm a pretty sensitive person...so all these factors in the same pot really made for some interesting internal struggle. Satan honestly and truthfully used these circumstances to try and make me stumble.
I have felt the epitome of humility over the past month. I feel like I should have an "OFFICIALLY HUMBLED" stamp on my forehead. Why? Because I've been trying to do this myself. I (Me, Myself, and I, that is), have worked myself silly trying to communicate what God has commanded me to do. I may have even done it in such a way that has been slightly abrasive to you--and if I have, I do apologize. Please do not misinterpret my excitement for the Lord's work for being something of an annoyance. (I say this also not to make you feel awkward). Anyway, back on track!
Here comes the big, HOWEVER you've been waiting to hear. HOWEVER, we serve a faithful God, do we not? The Lord has not let go of me, nor will He ever. Through these discouraging few weeks, I really have learned something. I am learning to let go of this. Hold on, don't worry- not "LET GO" for good. I mean I'm letting go of trying to do this myself. Instead, I plan on letting God take care of it from now on. This doesn't mean I'm going to stop working at it...but there comes a point where you have to give up taking things on yourself that belong to God.
After Christmas, my future is a big ol' question mark. Most of you know that my family is in North Carolina, and I'll be going there for the holidays..but whether or not I'll come back or stay is impossible to determine right now. Many of you have asked me about this, so here's a chance for me to answer honestly and bluntly: Where I go depends on my support status. Friends, I hope to be close to my goal, if not surpassed by goal by New Years. Trust me, I fully understand this is potentially impractical; but the question isn't whether it's impractical for me (cause obviously that's true), but whether it's impractical for God. Well...it's not...not for Him anyway.
Technically, I could get a phone call in 30 seconds from someone telling me they'd like to offer the rest of my support. Technically, it could be 6 months or more (Heaven forbid) till I get the support. It's not up to me. So to answer your question more fully- if I'm most of the way there by New Years, I'll stay in North Carolina till I reach my goal and leave as soon as possible. If I'm not anywhere close, then I'll probably come back to Florida and continue working till I reach my goal. Like I've said a thousand times, it's not a matter of IF, but a matter of WHEN.
This, as you can imagine, can be a bit difficult. It's like driving in the fog when you can only see a few feet in front of you. I covet your prayers! I was reading over my support letter today, and I noticed something. I asked you all to give before I asked you to pray in the letter. Friends, please, pray first. Prayer is powerful!
In the meantime, I am taking one day at a time. I am planning my life as though I will be leaving for Slovakia "as planned", during January sometime. I have sold or given away probably 75% of what I own, I'm buying winter coats for the frigid winter in Slovakia, deciding what instruments to take, what shoes to wear in the snow, what luggage I'll pack everything in and may even do a mock packing soon. Why would I do these things without knowing my future? Conveniently, none of us know our future, but just like driving in the fog, we see what's right in front of us and just keep going whether we see far down the road or not. What else is there to do, stop in the middle of the road? This is my way of trusting God to provide in His own timing; and if it's months and months till I get support...well...at least I'll be ready to go!
A few days ago I sang this song with coworkers before our company meeting in worship time. I am quite peculiar when it comes to worship music, and being the middle of the workday, I wasn't really "feeling it" throughout the songs. The last song was Great is Thy Faithfulness. Friends, when I saw those words "All I have needed THY hand hath provided, Great is THY faithfulness, Lord unto me" I stood there and wept like a baby. The Lord will provide my every need, despite canceled concerts, unsuccessful car washes, miscommunicated intentions, and questionable futures. There IS a resolution to this plot, He WILL cause a victory, and I didn't get lost on the way to the studio.
Great is Thy faithfulness, O God my Father;
There is no shadow of turning with Thee.
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not;
As Thou hast been Thou forever wilt be.
Great is Thy faithfulness! Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see;
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided
Great is Thy Faithfulness, Lord unto me.
Summer and winter and spring-time and harvest,
Sun, moon and stars in their courses above
join with all nature in manifold witness
To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.
Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth,
Thy own dear presence to cheer and to guide,
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!
Take care, you all-- and have a restful and peaceful Thanksgiving!
Ande
(Photos courtesy of P. Tibenska)
